This morning I did the clean up that comes every year at this time of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, this is the time that I go through everything that I have blogged, written, bylined or other wise set out upon the grand web of the internet. As I sat drinking my third cup of coffee and watching my computer Defragment and Compact my files I was thinking about services over this next ten day period and how much I look forward to this time when as a human being with sentients I can be alone with my G-D, the entity that watches over our deeds and keeps record of our goings on here on earth. I thought suddenly as one hard drive finished the process and I was asked to select the next drive for the needed clean up,' What if that is how it all works', what if our G-D in His/Her providence goes from one file in our lives to another, making them all into neat packages that will reflect in the end of these Days of Awe only the relevent and necessary things, compacting big events, and delting unnecessary items so that at the end of Kol Nidre we are really asked to take only the best of ourselves and forgive ourselves our short comings, our failures, our times of non compliance to the rules so that only those things which make up what we truly are, spiritual beings, remain?

The task on the computer was long, I sat and watched and continued to think about how this artificial brain that stores the outward image of who I am was being Defragmented and Compacted. In my musing I began to wonder if in doing this process I was in the same position as our G-D when He/She looks at each of our records for the past year. Is it just possible that when we choose to defragment our lives, He/She is sitting beside us and helping us to make the best possible decissions? What an awesome thought! I was totally overcome by emotion just entertaining the possibility that the rules of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are similar to the rules of cleaning up ones computer.

For a long while in life everything about me was fragmented, there were pieces of my youth and my loss of my second husband that stood out like the red lines that represent the files that cannot be moved in the process of defraging unless a human actually clicks the right button and allows the computer to remove them, we are truly like that! I remember being so scarred by the disappearence of my second husband that I became unable to function, couldn't even take care of my children until my father came and talked with me about the importance of moving forward with life and putting aside the grief that was so unbearable, the unkown that couldn't be answered unless I let go of it! Just like the command that we give the computer allowing it to repair and restore itself during the process of defrag and compacting. I thought about the middle of my life when I made horrible and life changing mistakes, and how with the leadership and assistance of a great Rabbi I was able to defrag, compact and clean up all those things and start fresh again! How it was that I came to again pick up the faith of my birthright and to follow the stream of life that is regulated by Holy Days and Sabbaths, and how the road from there to here was pebbled with new beginings every year, a chance to beging anew with new strength and to go forward even when we slipped without fear knowing that G-D is a loving and forgiving G-D, a G-d given to kindness and long suffering in patience with His/Her creation.

It was when I truly began to live as a Jew, letting the rules of the Torah give a rythm and a reason to my days,that I became aware of how intricate and precious our souls are. We are such intricate and precious beings that G-D planned for us a time in each year when we can repair and restore our souls and our human entity to the place where we were intended to be. Without a doubt this is the time when we must defrag and compact our lives into the shape and form that G-D intended, a time when we let go of past hurts, anger, pain, wrongs done to others and wrongs perpurtrated on ourselves so that we can again free up the space in our hard drive, the brain,heart and soul, to begin again to be the best of all that we can be!

This year I have much work to do during the next ten days, there are so many regrets, so many memories of being hurt, and hurting others, so many loose ends to my life that I am not certain I can compact it all with only ten days to do it. I will however tonight click the button to begin the defrag of my year and when that happens I have the strong assurance that my G-D will be at the helm watching so that nothing is left undone and by the time Yizkor and Neilah have slipped away into silence the hard drive of my soul will once again be in good working order, ready to try once more to be the best of all I was meant to be.So as I begin this process I will say with Job, "Though Hashem Slay Me Yet Will I Trust Him."

I wish that all of you who read this blog at this time of new beginnings may be inscribed for a New Year of health and happiness.